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Predators (2010) – Rated R for violence, profane language, some nudity, and frightening/intense scenes.

Predators has been receiving some mixed reviews thus far.  The consensus at Rotten Tomatoes is that “after a string of sub-par sequels, this bloody action-packed reboot takes the Predator franchise back to its testosterone-fueled roots.”  I would like to know if these people watched the same film that I did!  Bloody?  Action-packed?  No, I’m here to tell you that these are all lies.  If you like plot holes, unanswered questions, no character development, and bad acting, then Predators just might be the film for you.  If so, please stop reading now and just go watch this bore-fest.  If you are a fan of not wasting your time then continue reading.

First I’ll talk about the poorly written script.  The characters’ dialogue was laughable.  With lines like, “Your ass is awesome,” and “If we ever do make it home, I’m going to do so much f*cking cocaine and rape so many fine b*tches,” you can’t help but feel sorry for the actors who have to say this with a straight face.  After the film I seriously turned to my colleague and said, “Who the hell wrote this crap?”  I checked IMDB and found that two men who had never written a script before were the screenwriters.  Big.  Freaking.  Surprise. 

 The acting was poor as well.  Aside from Adrien Brody, who actually did a great job considering the crap he had to work with, the acting was pretty bad.  Laurence Fishburne’s little cameo came way out of left field and I think the film would’ve been better off without it.  Alice Braga, being the only female in the cast, should have shined in her role.  However someone must have made the mistake of telling her that she had to embody a “tough girl” persona and, as a result, was stuck in a pursed-lip scowl for the entire movie.  I really wanted to slap that look off her face.  And, oh my goodness, where do I begin with Topher Grace?  I like Topher.  I really do.  He seems like such a nice, aw-shucks kinda guy and he’s always so adorable in his films.  I’m guessing he was trying to wipe that slate clean with this “crazed serial killer” role but he just seemed out-of-place.  Especially at the big twist in the end when he’s revealed as a serial killer.  See, at the beginning he’s just this slightly goofy dork who isn’t really helping but isn’t in the way.  Then, at the end he reveals that he’s a serial killer and all of a sudden starts talking slower and has a straight face.  I guess he thinks being a serious actor means talking slow and having a straight face.  Wrong!

If you’ve never seen the original film or any of its sequels you won’t really be confused so I guess that’s a good thing.  But the plot is dumber than a dumb blonde joke.  These armed people drop from the sky and have no idea how they got there or where they are.  Adrien Brody’s character seems to know everything, for no apparent reason, and these complete strangers decide to follow him around.  Alice Braga’s character is the voice of reason a lot of the time and seems to be the only person with feelings.  But this is supposed to make sense to us because she’s also the only woman.  So, you know, of course she doesn’t want to leave people behind…she’s a woman!  These are cheap devices used by stupid writers who don’t know how to intelligently put together what could have been a brilliant script with a great story.  I will say, though, that when Adrien Brody takes off his shirt you can tell he worked out a lot for his first action role.  That alone earns this film at least one star.  Filmtastic review = 2 stars.

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